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 Features
Customer Support Confidential, Part Two:
Know your Enemy
 Types
Of course, there’s more to your customers than just their moods. Other important traits that can help you understand how to deal with people are
- Poor
- Rich
- Jesus
- Disoriented
- Foreign
- Old
- Disabled
- Retarded
Poor: “I was buying the game, and it went through twice, and now I’m overdrawn!” These are words you will hear with astounding regularity. Why anyone would ever spend their last twenty dollars on a video game, I cannot fathom. These people are almost always going to start out Angry, but are usually pretty easy to convert to Friendly. In our culture, Poor people are not used to being treated like human beings. When you do so, they will call you “Darlin’.” They tend to be good customers because apparently they will buy games instead of eating.
Rich: Rich people are rude. 90% of your Indignant customers are going to be Rich. They will usually point out that the computer is Very New and therefore it is obviously our fault.
Jesus: A lot of your customers love Jesus. 95% of the time this is great, and just means they will be friendly, and say God Bless, or Have a Blessed Day if they’re from the south. However, sometimes it will mean that they are crazy. Perhaps your game has a pirate level, or mentions magic. They will write to let you know that you are supporting Satan in his quest to draw our attention from God’s work. You should delete these emails.
Disoriented: While a fair number of email customers are disoriented, you can deal with deciphering them at your leisure. It’s the disoriented phone call that causes problems. Below is how the average credit card fraud victim will leave a message, or speak to you, if you do nothing to intercede.
Hi I have a charge and I don’t I’m I didn’t buy anything from
you I don’t know what you are and I didn’t make any charge
but I have a charge and I don’t understand, It’s not mine and
I’ve never heard of XXXXXXXX because is this the internet?
And I didn’t make the charge, I don’t know who you are, or
what this is, because it and I have no idea.
The humane thing to do is cut them off early on with a question that can actually get things moving, like their last name. If it’s a message you’re dealing with, good luck. They will leave their phone number only at the very end, and they are apparently under the impression that there is some kind of race, and the caller who says their phone number the fastest gets a Football Phone.
Foreign: Usually Disoriented, always hard to understand. As phone calls, this takes a very long time. Unfortunately, it will also require your attention, so minimize the web browser, and stop reading Penny Arcade while you try to help this person.
Old: Again, often Disoriented, most Old customers will tend to be Friendly on the phone because they are talking to a real person. They will not like being told that they are better off getting help via email, and any time you send them instructions, they will want to keep you on the phone until the email arrives. Sometimes, they will want you on the phone as they follow the instructions. In this case, please, maximize that web browser, and enjoy the wacky antics of Gabe and Tycho while you wait for them to finish.
Disabled: This set regularly intersects with Old, but less often than you’d probably expect. Disabled customers are just like anyone else, except that many of them will tell you really inappropriate, personal details to make sure you try to help them. Since you’re already doing your best to help everyone, this won’t really matter, but it might creep you out.
Retarded: Hands down the hardest type of customer to interact with. I am not referring here to stupid customers, or frustratingly ignorant customers. I refer only to customers who actually suffer from mental retardation. Sometimes someone who struggles with a serious mental handicap will call or email you. Unfortunately, ordinary customers can easily be so distressed, confused, or lazy that determining when the person you’re dealing with is actually retarded and communication is impossible is very difficult, and very touchy. You just can’t be sure. You need to be well past certain. Even then, it’s always a risk to be specific, so try something non-committal like “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can help you.”
Conclusion
Remember, all of these are guidelines, a series of tools and hints to make it easier to get a quick idea of how an interaction is going, so that you can tailor your replies and keep the customer satisfied. Once you realize there really are customers who can’t be satisfied, and that in some cases just hanging up or hitting delete really are the best option, you’ll be able to focus your energy on people who you can actually help, and keep happy. It’s impossible to know exactly how someone is going to behave, but it certainly makes things easier when you have an idea. Except retarded people. That always goes exactly the same, and it’s always incredibly hard.
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