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 Features
Schadenfreudian Slips: Copy Protection Racket
 The Russian Front
NovaHammer’s CEO Sergei Glazunov arrived with three hulking assistants in matching black Members Only jackets and sunglasses. They declined to take them off (the jackets or the glasses). Mr. Glazunov introduced the men as Dmitri Karamazov, his brother Dmitri, and his other brother Dmitri. We offered them coffee cake, and since it was just after 10 am, beer. I began by asking them a little bit about their business.
“We protect your things. That is our business. Protection.”
“My things?” I asked. “But we make computer games.”
“Oh, of course. We can protect those too.”
Bruno whispered to me from behind a press kit folder. “I don’t think that word means what he thinks it means.”
 “Mr. Morderhaschen, your company would be wise to use our protection.”
“What will happen if we don’t use your...protection?”
“Things could happen. You don’t want anything to happen to your computer games.”
“Are you threatening us?”
“No, no, I would not put it like that. But you would not want any of your computer games to get hurt, would you?” He gestured to his three burly compatriots.
Of course I would not like my computer games to get hurt. Some other people’s games? Maybe. Who wouldn’t enjoy seeing Postal 2 get kicked in the groin? But I did not like the direction this conversation was going, so I asked Bruno if he had any questions for them. In retrospect, this was not such a good idea.
“So, when did your NovaHammer malware stop damaging peoples’ optical drives?” Bruno asked.
Mr. Glazunov waved dismissively. “Oh, that only happens to a few users. And if it does, they are welcome to bring their PC to our offices and we will fix it. Our office is in beautiful Yakutsk, Siberia, one of the coldest cities on Earth! Of course they must travel at their own cost. We will, however, provide a complimentary breakfast buffet…”
“How nice of you.”
“…and also a Novahammer t-shirt. We stand by our products.”
“Well, I don’t think any DRM is worth such a risk,” I told him. “Even if it only happens to a few customers. I don’t want even a few customers to be angry with us.”
“You are not thinking about this the right way, Mr. Morderhaschen. Remember what Mr. Spock said in the movie.”
“In what movie - the one with the whale?”
“No, the one with Ricardo Montalban.”
“I liked the whale one best,” Crispin interjected. “NUCLEAR WESSELS!”
The Russians did not appear to be amused.
“Ooh, I know what he said - ‘It's life, Captain, but not life as we know it’.” said Bruno.
“No it’s ‘KHHHHHAAAAAAAN’!” shouted Crispin.
“Spock didn’t say ‘KHHHHHAAAAAAAN’, dummkopf. That was Kirk.”
“It’s the best line in the movie, though, you must admit! ‘KHAAAAA…”
“No, NO!” shouted Mr. Glazunov, slamming his palms down on the conference table.
“….aaaan.” Crispin finished, slinking down in his chair.
Mr. Glazunov slapped the table again. “It was ‘The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few’.”
“Well, he also says “It's life, Captain, but not life as we know it’,” Bruno snapped. There are two subjects that Bruno is very sensitive about…one of them is Star Trek trivia (the other is Hungarian notation).
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