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June 16, 2019
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[This unedited press release is made available courtesy of Gamasutra and its partnership with notable game PR-related resource GamesPress.]

Austin, TX – In a move likely to shock absolutely no one, Devolver Digital CFO and massage parlor enthusiast Fork Parker has revealed that plans for his company’s digital download game service, codenamed “Krundle”, have been abandoned.

“I think we could have revolutionized how I make a shitload of money,” said CFO Fork Parker. “But the reality is Steam is an amazing digital platform. That’s where we want to distribute our top-tier titles like Serious Sam 3: BFE to generate the kind of revenue it takes to buy things like velvet-covered jet skis. Holy crap, did I just invent those?”

The proposed service was set to radically change the digital distribution marketplace with features not seen in any other online offering:0

  • Unconventional preorder incentives like in-game nachos and undetonated Cold War era munitions
  • Free-to-Play-for-Fifty-Bucks games wherein the consumer is free to play the game once it is purchased for $50
  • Complimentary Portuguese adult films with purchases of $200 or more
While breakthrough concepts found in the now aborted download service may never see the light of day, Devolver Digital pledges to move the industry forward and keep bringing genuinely unique games to the hungry masses.

“I guess consumers could also sign-up for EA’s Origin service if they are into 10-year-old train simulators,” claimed Fork. “But you can be sure those sons of bitches will never deliver in-game nachos.”

More nonsense can we found at on the internets.


Contact: Devolver Digital

[email protected]