Welcome to Zyngaville, where admission is free and the park is always open! I'll be your personal guide throughout your visit!
You are in for a grand adventure, friend! Allow me show you where to get started on your magical journey. This way, if you will.
First, though, wouldn't you like to give your friends a call and invite them to join you? Here, give me your phone. Let's see...contacts...ah! Laura! She visited us last year, but she hasn't been back. Perhaps she would like to join you right now! No? Fine, but our wonderland is best experienced with the company of friends! The more, the better!
Right through this turnstile. Look at all those wonderful rides beyond it! No, the turnstile's not broken, friend; it's simply locked. Please invite one of your friends--perhaps Michael--to join us at the park to unlock it! Or you can pay the paltry sum of $2 to go through. Or you can come back tomorrow and we'll pass through the turnstile and continue our thrilling adventure right where we left off! Thank you for your patronage. And now we may pass!
Here we are at our first roller coaster, friend. Oh, I assure you that our customers find it quite enjoyable. The gentle grades and turns, low speeds, and complete lack of climbs and drops will relax your mind and make you feel like you are in control. I understand your point, friend, but those other roller coasters you mention aren't free to ride like ours. And they can't be built as quickly and as cheaply as ours.
Please take your seat and buckle your seat belt. All set? Perfect. Now that you're pumped up and ready to go, just invite two of your friends to the park, and we can get underway. No? Very well, that will be $4 to continue, please. Quite a bit cheaper than those $60 tickets to Six Flags. Nothing more than spare change, really. Or we can always wait until tomorrow and come back right to where we left off - buckled in and about to do something wonderfully satisfying...if you have the willpower, which 55.4% of our paying customers do not.
Thank you, here we go!
What? Oh, don't mind me. I'm just recording every move you make. It helps us understand how to make the park more enjoyable for you. No, you don't even need to tell us what you enjoy; we already know by what you spend money on!
We know, for instance, that what makes most people happy is not fancy rides or unique experiences; it's cutting in lines at all the rides, or collecting wristbands from completed rides, or painting the rides whatever crazy colors you choose (from among the 4 or 5 we've pre-selected)!
Another example of how we learn about what makes you happy is how we structured the start of this ride. Originally, customers could simply board the ride. Now, as you discovered earlier, guests must jump through a series of giant iron rings before being allowed to board. Quite a few customers are willing to pay to avoid having to perform this arduous task, resulting in a 43% increase in ride revenue. Clearly, as our metrics demonstrate, the addition of the rings, along with the ability to skip them, has enhanced guest enjoyment of this ride.
I almost forgot to tell you about your imaginary friend Sparky. He's being projected into the seat behind you, as he will be on all upcoming rides. No, I'm sorry, but he doesn't talk or interact with you in any way, but see the armbands he is wearing? He has finished THREE rides already. Wouldn't you like to be wearing those in front of all your friends right now?
I'm sorry to hear that you're not enjoying this ride. To answer your question, you won't be able to move on to the next ride for about six or seven days. However, for the small fee of $12, we can skip to the finish and move on to a ride that you will no doubt enjoy far more than this one.
And here's your wristband. Feels good to put it on, doesn't it? Here, I'll take a picture and write a short message extolling both our amusement park and the prowess of your wallet. No...I don't need your face in the shot; just hold up the wristband please. There we go! Now simply press "Send" and all your friends will receive it! We'll even credit you .02 wristbands for each of them that comes to visit us as a result!
And here we are. Yes, I admit, this ride looks identical to the previous one in every respect except color. However, the wristband you will receive afterwards is rather more impressive than the one you have on now. Oh, I am sorry. I should have informed you that the more wristbands you earn, the more friends or cash you need to ride your next ride. Your $4 is insufficient. You'll need five friends or $8 for this one. Or, we can come back tomorrow and move the left seat strap onto your lap. The next day, we can do the same with the right strap. Finally, three days from now, we can complete the buckling process and get underway. Yes, I suspected you might not have the patience. Thank you for your continued support!
I sincerely apologize. The remainder of this ride is reserved for people who have brought twelve or more people to the park. Sure, we would be very willing to lift that restriction for cash considerations. No, there is absolutely no other way you can continue with the ride, regardless of how long you are willing to wait. However, you are perfectly welcome to remain stationary, take in the view, and fiddle with your seat belt in this absolutely admission-free ride. Ah, excellent choice. Fifteen dollars, please.
I must disagree heartily with you on that point, friend. The amusement parks you describe are simply not possible in this geographic area. We've dealt with the limitations of our geography in an ideal manner, and we've also taken full advantage of its unique properties, using them to empower our guests to market the park to their friends. In fact, you yourself just spent over $200 on the park you claim is inferior to these others you describe, when you spend only $60 or less on those other parks. Obviously, judging by the amount of money you spent, as well as by the number of transactions you made, you got quite a lot more enjoyment from our park than from any other. Metrics don't lie.
Before you go, I would also like to point out that we have many other amusement parks you may enjoy: Zyngatown, Zyngaland, Znyga Island...the list goes on. If you've enjoyed Zyngaville, you'll surely find one to your taste. We have many different themes, ranging from the Old West to a tropical paradise. And the best part is, the rides you love so much here are replicated almost exactly in each of those parks. No matter which one you choose, you're bound to be doing exactly the same exciting things you did here!
|F. Randall Farmer|